Understanding Attachment Styles: Why They Matter and How to Heal

You might be familiar with the term attachment styles, which refers to how we learned to attach to our caregivers in early childhood and how this then creates a pattern of attachment that we tend to play out with intimate partners later in life.

As with all things, becoming conscious is the foundation of personal growth—and it’s the starting point for changing these patterns. When we do the work to recognise our attachment styles from childhood, we can begin to see how we’re unconsciously playing them out in our intimate relationships. This awareness allows us to notice when we’re falling into old, familiar patterns. From there, we can make different choices and allow genuine healing to occur.

Working with a therapist is particularly effective for this work because the relationship itself is at the heart of the work. Since our attachment styles were formed in relationship, it makes sense that relationships—especially therapeutic ones—are the ideal setting for deep and lasting healing.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

There are four main attachment styles, each reflecting a different way of relating to others based on early childhood experiences:

1. Secure Attachment

• People with secure attachment generally feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They trust others and themselves, and their relationships are typically balanced and stable.

2. Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

• Those with this style often feel uncertain in relationships. They crave closeness and reassurance but may struggle with fears of abandonment or rejection, leading to emotionally intense behaviour.

3. Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

• Avoidant individuals value independence and tend to avoid emotional closeness. They may withdraw when intimacy feels overwhelming, often entering a freeze response where their nervous system dissociates. In these moments, they emotionally shut down as a protective mechanism, making them seem distant and emotionally unavailable. Since this dissociation happens unconsciously, they often don’t realise they’ve checked out, which creates inconsistency in their relationships. They struggle to remain aligned with their own emotions because they’re not consistently present with them, making it difficult for them to maintain consistent emotional connection or stability with their partner.

4. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

• This style combines both anxious and avoidant traits. Fearful-avoidant individuals crave connection but also fear it. Like dismissive-avoidant individuals, they may experience dissociation when overwhelmed by vulnerability or emotional closeness, leading them to withdraw emotionally or shut down. This dissociative state often happens unconsciously, making it very difficult for them to stay consistently present in the relationship. Their challenge is to recognise when they’ve checked out and learn to stay present with their emotions, fostering consistency and emotional connection.

How These Attachment Styles Show Up in Relationships

Attachment styles create patterns of connection and disconnection in relationships, often without us realising it. These patterns are deeply tied to how we adapted to early relational experiences.

• Secure Attachment: Securely attached individuals are generally able to build healthy, trusting relationships. They feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence, and they approach challenges in relationships with emotional resilience.

• Anxious-Preoccupied: People with this style often experience heightened sensitivity to their partner’s availability. They may seek reassurance and closeness, fearing abandonment or rejection. When they feel uncertain or insecure in the relationship, they can become emotionally intense or reactive, which may lead to tension.

• Dismissive-Avoidant: Avoidant individuals tend to withdraw when emotions or intimacy feel overwhelming. This withdrawal isn’t always a conscious choice - it’s often driven by the nervous system going into freeze mode. During these moments, avoidant individuals may dissociate, emotionally shutting down as a way to protect themselves. The difficulty is that they often don’t realise they’ve done it. Dissociation is an unconscious response, so they may only become aware of the impact when their partner points it out. However, this feedback can sometimes cause the avoidant person to retreat further, creating a painful cycle of disconnection.

• Fearful-Avoidant: This style combines both anxious and avoidant traits. Fearful-avoidant individuals crave connection but retreat when vulnerability feels too risky, often experiencing dissociation when emotions become overwhelming. Like dismissive-avoidants, they may disconnect without realising it, leaving their partner feeling confused or unsupported.

The critical point about dissociation is that it happens outside of conscious awareness - those experiencing it don’t realise they’ve disconnected in the moment. The work lies in becoming conscious of these moments, recognising when they’ve “checked out,” and learning to stay present.

Why Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles Are Drawn Together

It’s often observed that individuals with anxious-preoccupied and avoidant attachment styles are unconsciously drawn to one another. This dynamic, while painful, is not accidental - it reflects deep-rooted patterns from childhood that continue to play out in adult relationships.

For the anxious-preoccupied individual, the avoidant partner’s emotional withdrawal feels familiar. It mirrors the unpredictability they may have experienced with a caregiver - where love was inconsistent or conditional. On an unconscious level, they are seeking reassurance and closeness to feel secure, even though their partner’s behaviour triggers their deepest fears of abandonment.

For the avoidant individual, the anxious partner’s emotional intensity and pursuit can feel overwhelming, triggering their fear of vulnerability. However, the emotional availability of the anxious partner often pulls the avoidant in. The avoidant partner, who has learned to shut down or disconnect from their own emotions, may unconsciously see something in the anxious partner that they have lost or buried - an emotional connection they have disconnected from long ago. This can be compelling, even though it triggers fear.

But for the anxious partner, the attraction to the avoidant partner is not just about love or companionship - it’s often an unconscious attempt to heal old wounds. The anxious partner is drawn to relationships that repeat their early attachment dynamics, hoping that this time, they can fix the pattern. In essence, they are trying to heal the wound of abandonment by seeking out someone who feels emotionally distant or unavailable.

This dynamic can also be likened to addiction. The anxious partner is often drawn to the inconsistency in the avoidant’s emotional availability because sometimes they get the reward (a moment of closeness). This intermittent reinforcement can make the anxious partner return to the same cycle over and over, seeking that emotional reward, even though it’s inconsistent.

For the avoidant partner, the pursuit may feel overwhelming, leading them to retreat into dissociation. The withdrawal reinforces the anxious partner’s fears of abandonment, leading them to chase even harder, further entangling them in this cycle of emotional pursuit and retreat.

This dynamic creates a reactive loop:

• The anxious partner’s heightened need for reassurance and closeness triggers the avoidant partner’s fear of being engulfed or overwhelmed.

• The avoidant partner’s withdrawal amplifies the anxious partner’s fear of being left.

• Both partners remain stuck in this cycle, unable to break free without awareness and intentional effort.

The Opportunity for Healing

While this pairing is deeply challenging, it also holds potential for profound growth if both partners become conscious of their patterns and take responsibility for their healing.

When both partners are willing to do the work, the dynamic can shift. They can learn to:

• Recognise their own attachment responses and how they trigger one another.

• Develop empathy for each other’s experiences, understanding that the avoidant partner’s dissociation is an unconscious response to overwhelm and not a rejection, while the anxious partner’s pursuit is driven by a genuine need for connection.

• Create new relational patterns that foster emotional safety and trust, allowing both partners to stay more present in the relationship.

However, this requires both individuals to take responsibility for their own healing. If only one partner is committed to growth, the relationship will likely remain stuck in the same painful cycle.

The Opportunity for Healing

Healing attachment wounds is not only possible but can lead to profoundly fulfilling relationships. When individuals with ingrained attachment patterns - patterns that have kept them from the very connection they innately crave - commit to personal growth and mutual healing, they create a foundation for deep, authentic intimacy.

Creating Safety and Commitment

The first step is cultivating self-awareness. Recognizing one’s attachment style and understanding its origins allows individuals to identify and address unconscious behaviors that may hinder connection. This self-awareness is crucial for fostering a safe environment where both partners feel valued and understood.

Equally important is mutual commitment. Both partners must be equally invested in the relationship, dedicating themselves to personal growth and the healing process. This 50-50 commitment ensures that both individuals are actively contributing to the relationship’s health and resilience.

Therapy as a Catalyst

Engaging in therapy can be a pivotal step in this journey. Therapists provide a neutral space to explore and understand attachment dynamics, offering tools and strategies to navigate and heal these patterns. Therapy not only aids in individual healing but also enhances relational dynamics, promoting healthier interactions and deeper connections.

The Transformative Power of Healing

When both partners are conscious, invested, and committed to creating safety and healing, the relationship can evolve into a source of profound fulfilment. This transformation allows individuals to experience the deep connection and intimacy they have longed for, breaking free from the constraints of past attachment wounds.

As Jillian Turecki insightfully states,

“Everyone, regardless of attachment wounds, will struggle at various points in their relationships, and when we do, it can be extremely overwhelming.”

This quote underscores the importance of mutual emotional readiness and commitment in building a nurturing, secure relationship.

Similarly, Esther Perel emphasises the significance of understanding and navigating our attachment patterns:

“We are wounded in relationship and can be healed in relationship.”

This insight highlights the potential for healing and growth within the context of a supportive and conscious partnership.

A Path Forward

Embarking on the path to healing requires courage and dedication. By embracing self-awareness, seeking professional guidance, and committing to conscious personal growth, individuals can transform their relationships into sources of deep connection and joy.