Passive Aggression: A Warning Shot in the Darkness

Have you ever been on the receiving end of behaviour that feels strange.. restrained, subtly unsettling - something that leaves you wondering, was that hostile, or am I imagining it? Maybe it’s a gesture that could be seen objectively as harmless but you know carries an edge, or an action that feels deliberately undermining while being easy to deny. This is the hallmark of passive aggression. It might feel like a warning shot.. in the darkness - a signal sent indirectly, cloaked in ambiguity. but fully charged with intent. You won’t see it coming, but you’ll feel it.

The Roots of Passive Aggression 

Passive aggression often starts as a coping mechanism in childhood. Children who feel powerless or unable to express their emotions openly - whether due to fear, shame, or external constraints - may develop covert ways of expressing frustration. At its core, passive aggression stems from an inability to communicate directly or identify and then express emotions in a healthy way. This highlights the importance of teaching children from a very early age to learn to identify and to communicate their feelings. When children aren’t encouraged or taught to express their emotions, they may grow up without the tools needed for direct communication, making passive-aggressive behaviours more likely to develop and persist into adulthood.

 

What Passive Aggression Looks Like 

Passive aggression is deeply hostile, and while it can appear subtle, it’s emotional warfare: the aggressor harbours resentment, waits, and then strikes in a way that is deliberately destabilising. It’s the emotional equivalent of a submarine launching a missile - hidden, but with real impact. The aim is to punish or provoke, often while leaving you questioning what just happened. Examples of passive aggression might include: The silent treatment: Withdrawing communication to punish or control, leaving the other person feeling uncertain or excluded. Calculated provocations: Acts like disturbing your rest or removing something important to you, which feel targeted and designed to unsettle. Symbolic gestures of disrespect: Sending or doing something that carries an undertone of contempt, disguised as harmless or accidental. Withholding care or support: Choosing not to show up or help when it’s clearly needed, often framed as unavoidable or practical. Sarcastic or cutting remarks: Delivered as a ‘joke’ - but with an edge that’s impossible to miss if you share an interpersonal relationship. These behaviours are especially difficult to navigate because they thrive on plausible deniability. The aggressor can claim they didn’t mean it that way, leaving you to wonder whether you’re imagining things or overreacting. This is part of what makes passive aggression so destructive - it destabilises relationships while allowing the aggressor to avoid accountability.

How It Feels to Be on the Receiving End of Passive

One of the most frustrating aspects of passive aggression is the way it forces you into a heightened emotional state. The hidden hostility can provoke anger, frustration, or confusion, and you may find yourself reacting more strongly than you normally would. This is no accident. Passive-aggressive behaviour often triggers what psychodynamic theory calls displaced anger. The aggressor is essentially outsourcing their feelings - provoking you to express the emotions they are unwilling or unable to confront in themselves. It’s a dynamic that therapists often notice in couples therapy: one person remains calm on the surface while the other becomes emotionally heightened, almost as if they’re carrying the anger for both. If you’ve ever found yourself feeling uncharacteristically reactive around someone who seems superficially calm, it’s worth considering whether their hidden behaviours are triggering you to express the emotions that they are repressing - this maybe a dynamic of poor boundaries also.. resulting in emotional contagion or emotional enmeshment.

How to Recognise and Respond If you suspect you’re on the receiving end of passive aggression

There are ways to navigate it:

Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off, it probably is. Passive aggression thrives on ambiguity, so recognising it for what it is can help you feel more stable.

Name the Behaviour: (Ideally without being reactive), calmly point out what you notice. For example: That comment felt a little sharp - can we talk about it? or I noticed you didn’t follow through on this - was something going on? Calling it out disrupts the pattern and forces the behaviour into the open.

Set Boundaries: Passive aggression often relies on your tolerance. By setting clear limits, you make it known that this behaviour won’t go unnoticed or unaddressed.

Stay Grounded: Remember, passive aggression is more about the other person’s unresolved feelings than about you. Staying calm and centred allows you to hold your ground without being pulled into the confusion and destabilisation that it’s designed to create.

Closing Thoughts 

Passive aggression is far from harmless. It’s a hidden form of hostility that destabilises individuals and the relationship they are in and leaves its recipients questioning themselves. By recognising it for what it is, calling it out calmly, and setting boundaries, you can take steps to protect your peace and avoid getting caught in the web of someone else’s unresolved emotions. Remember, you don’t have to carry feelings that aren’t yours or participate in behaviours that make you feel weak. You can reclaim your power.