Cognitive Dissonance: A Call to Integrity and Alignment

Cognitive dissonance refers to the tension experienced when we hold two conflicting beliefs, emotions, or behaviours at the same time. It reflects a misalignment—whether within ourselves or in relationships—and invites us to explore where greater alignment or coherence might be needed.

This tension can arise internally, as we struggle to reconcile opposing thoughts or feelings, or externally, in relationships where another person’s inconsistencies challenge our sense of trust and stability. While it can be unsettling, cognitive dissonance is also a significant opportunity—a call to become more grounded, aligned, and congruent within ourselves.

What Does Cognitive Dissonance Look Like?

Cognitive dissonance can appear in many forms, both internally and relationally.

Internally, it might involve:

• Holding beliefs or values that contradict one another.

• Feeling opposing emotions—such as love and resentment—toward the same person.

• Acting in a way that doesn’t align with your values, leading to an inner sense of conflict.

Relationally, it might look like:

• A partner whose words and actions don’t match—expressing affection but withdrawing emotionally.

• A friend or colleague who appears aligned in one moment but shifts their perspective in the next.

• Agreements or understandings that suddenly change, leaving you feeling destabilised or questioning the connection.

Whether internal or external, these moments of dissonance highlight areas of misalignment and invite us to reflect on what might need attention or adjustment.

The Relational Impact of Cognitive Dissonance

Relationships depend on consistency and alignment to build trust. When dissonance arises in another person’s behaviour or communication, it can leave us feeling ungrounded or unsure of where we stand.

At its most challenging, cognitive dissonance can lead us to question not only the relationship but also our own perceptions. This is particularly true if the dissonance is persistent or if we are especially sensitive to inconsistency.

For some, experiences of cognitive dissonance may relate to attachment patterns established in early relationships. For example, individuals with histories of inconsistent caregiving may find certain dynamics of dissonance familiar in adulthood, even if they are painful. Recognising these links is an important step toward addressing how we experience and respond to dissonance in relationships.

Jung’s Transcendent Function: Turning Tension Into Growth

Carl Jung viewed cognitive dissonance as an integral part of psychological growth, describing it as essential to the process of individuation—the journey of becoming fully ourselves. He referred to this as the transcendent function, where holding the tension between opposing truths allows something new to emerge.

Jung believed the ego plays a significant role in how we respond to discomfort. As he observed: “The ego will do anything to avoid pain; its sole purpose is to maintain the status quo.” This avoidance can keep us stuck in familiar but limiting patterns. Yet it’s through sitting with the discomfort of dissonance that transformation becomes possible.

Jung saw this process as alchemical, transforming what feels divided or unresolved into something cohesive and whole. He wrote: “The greater the tension, the greater the potential,” underscoring the importance of not bypassing discomfort but allowing it to work on us over time.

This process can be likened to the structural integrity of a building. Just as a building must remain aligned to withstand external pressure, we need internal coherence to navigate life’s challenges. When misalignment occurs—whether through unresolved inner conflict or external inconsistencies—it can create instability that ripples outward, affecting our sense of self and our relationships.

Staying Grounded in the Face of Dissonance

Navigating cognitive dissonance in others requires clarity and alignment within yourself. The more grounded you are in your own truth—knowing your values, emotions, and perspective—the less likely you are to be destabilised by someone else’s certainty, which, while it may appear convincing, contrasts with your own sense of reality and creates confusion.

Flexibility, openness, and curiosity are crucial for a healthy psychology because they allow us to engage with complexity and consider multiple perspectives. However, when someone else is locked into rigid, black-and-white thinking—where their views are fixed and possibly contradictory—it can be destabilising. This is especially true in close relationships, where we expect consistency. Their rigidity and dissonance can create confusion or uncertainty for us if we’re not firmly grounded in our own truth.

It’s important to acknowledge that the longer you’ve been in a relationship with someone who behaves inconsistently or displays contradictory patterns, the more challenging it can feel to rebuild your sense of self. Over time, exposure to this type of behaviour can deeply undermine trust in your own perceptions and reality. If this has been your experience, regaining clarity and grounding may take patience and intentional work.

A crucial step in maintaining alignment is to stay connected to people who truly know you. Build or reconnect with a community of individuals who understand your values and truth. These people can act as a supportive mirror when you’re feeling off-track, helping you regain your clarity and realign with your sense of self.

It’s also important to recognise that if you are a reasonable person, and you have a certain level of personal psychological integrity and resolution, you may spend a considerable amount of time trying to understand why someone else, whom you also believe to be reasonable, is behaving in conflicting ways. This analysis can become an endless cycle of trying to understand how they came to this conclusion or what might be going on. However, this is not a way to stay grounded—it will only lead to losing your footing and getting lost in endless second-guessing.

Instead, part of staying grounded is simply observing the truth without overanalysing. Trust in your own sense of stability, and don’t feel it’s your responsibility to endlessly explain another person’s contradictory behaviour, unless they are a child. Your internal gravity comes from within, and maintaining this clarity is essential.

To stay grounded:

• Regularly reconnect with your own values and emotions.

• Notice when someone else’s certainty or inconsistency begins to affect your stability, and take time to reflect.

• Use grounding techniques, such as mindfulness or somatic practices, to stay present and connected to your body.

• Stay connected to those who truly know you, as they can help you navigate moments of dissonance and realign with your truth.

By staying grounded and aligned in your own truth, you can engage with others while maintaining clarity, steadiness and your own integrity.

How Therapy Supports Growth

Therapy provides a secure container to explore and work with cognitive dissonance. Within this space, conflicting truths can be examined without judgment, creating the conditions for integration.

Over time, therapy helps individuals bring fragmented parts of themselves into alignment. It supports the process of holding tension, sitting with discomfort, and allowing new clarity to emerge. As Jung emphasised, this process is transformative, enabling us to grow from what initially feels divided or unresolved.

A Call to Alignment

Cognitive dissonance highlights areas of misalignment and invites us to move toward greater alignment, coherence, and integrity—both within ourselves and in our relationships.

As Jung taught, this process is alchemical. By holding opposing truths and allowing them to integrate, we create the potential for profound transformation. Through this work, we move closer to living with clarity and congruence, both internally and in how we connect with others.